Jokes.........Keep Them Short.....

[harryhoudini]

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me...."

A man inserted an advertisement in the classified: "Wife Wanted"
The next day he received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

[bugeye]

What does a stripper do with her bum before going to her nightly performance?

Drops him off at rehearsal.

 

[bugeye]

When do birds get the flu?

When pigs fly.

Guess what?

Swine flu.

[bugeye]

Irish airplane comes in to land in Sydney. Hits the tarmac jams on the breaks and skids screeching to a halt almost crashing through the terminal.

Pilot micheal says to co pilot Peter, "Ayyyye, by me aunts flippin leprchauns peter, what a short runway the Australians have!"

Co - Pilot Peter replies: "Ayyyyyye, but look how flippin wide it is!"

Boom Boom

[bugeye]

Why did cow make horrible sound?

Bad moooooo'd

 

[Eugene66]

 

LAW OF QUEUE: If you change queues, the one you have left will start to move faster than the one you are in now.

 LAW OF TELEPHONE: When you dial a wrong number, you never get an engaged one.

 
LAW OF MECHANICAL REPAIR: After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.

 Law of THE WORKSHOP: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

 

 LAW OF THE ALIBI: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tyre, the next morning you will have a flat tyre.


BATH THEOREM: When the body is immersed in water, the telephone rings.

LAW OF ENCOUNTERS: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

Law OF THE RESULT: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will!

 LAW OF BIOMECHANICS: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach

 Law OF COFFEE: As soon as you sit down for a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold

[Eugene66]

Do you remembere thses Littel Lulu jokes we heard as children?

Damm they were so funny because they were so silly.

A guy breaks into Little lulu's house and comes at her with a bread knife. But little Lulu is not afraid because Little Lulu is too clever. She knows she is not a bread.

[Eugene66]

Reminds me of Tarzans last words.

"who greased my rope..umphff!!"

[harryhoudini]

What do you call a blonde who has dyed her hair brown?

Artificial intelligence.


Two blonds and a brunet are hanging from a rope and the brunet gives a big long speech on how she is going to sacrifice herself for them...... The blonds clap.

[harryhoudini]

A blonde walks into a electronic store and asks the manager, "Can I buy that TV"
"No"
"Why not?"
"Because your a blonde."
So the blonde goes out and dyes her hair red. She returned to the electronic store and said, "Can I buy that TV?"
"No"
"Why not?"
"Your a blonde."
So the blonde goes and shaves her hair off and returns to the electronic store and says, "Can I buy that TV?"
"No"
"Why not?"
"You're a blonde"
"How can you tell I'm a blonde, I dyed my hair red, then shaved it off!"
"Because that's not a TV, that's a microwave!"

[harryhoudini]

Job Application
 
This is an actual job application that a 17 year old boy submitted to McDonald's in Florida... and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!

NAME: Greg Bulmash.

SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.

DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.

SIGN HERE: Aries.

[Eugene66]

  Harryhoiudini

Uurgh and I was gonna have a late breakfast.

I think I'll try it anyway. 

If it does not work out I'll save all the big pieces for Harry.

[harryhoudini]

SORRY JUST HAD TO POST THIS ONE ............
A pub landlord is shutting up for the night when there is a knock at the door. When he answers, a Tramp asks him for a toothpick. He gives him the toothpick and the tramp leaves.

A few minutes later there is a second knock. When he answers, there is a second Tramp who also asks for a toothpick. He gets his toothpick and off he goes.

There is a third knock at the door, and a third Tramp. The landlord says, "Don't tell me, you want a toothpick too."

"No, a straw," says the Tramp.

The landlord gives him a straw but is curious as to why he wants it, so he asks the Tramp why he wants a straw and not a toothpick.

To which the Tramp replies, "Some bloke just threw up outside but all the good stuff's gone already".

[harryhoudini]

Just had a water fight over the park with a bunch of local kids.

I won!

No one's a match for me and my kettle.

[harryhoudini]

I spent ages trying to cross a busy road.

Some passer-by said, "There's a zebra crossing fifty yards up the road."

I thought, "I hope he's having better luck than me."